A Painful Tension
Lately there has been a stirring in the media about pastors who encourage abused women to stay in an abusive relationship. This is an issue that is very important to me. I am a pastor. I love pastors and I love the church. My grandfather was a pastor. My father is a pastor. Two of my my brothers are pastors. My sister is married to a pastor. Two of my sons are pastors. I deeply love pastors and I deeply love the church and I am devoted to it.
I also am a husband, a son, a brother, an uncle, a grandfather and a father to four daughters. I cherish the women in my life and I am devoted to them. I want to live with them in an honorable way and listen to their hearts and protect them.
When the church I love hurts the women I love, this creates a powerful tension. When the women Jesus loves are hurt by the church Jesus loves–Like Jesus’ brother said; “These things ought not so to be…”
I have not said much about it, but this morning as I was thinking on this sad tension I decided to speak up. Please pray for me that God will give me wisdom as I write about this issue and as I advocate for those who have been abused in their home and in their churches.
Pray that what I write will be good for women and for the men who abuse them. May God protect the women and set the men free to live honorable and gentle lives.
Pray that what I write will be good for the church.
Pastors and church leaders: Wake up!
If you refuse to listen to abused women and believe them, you are guilty of participating in their abuse.
If you refuse to listen to abused women and believe them, where will your daughters turn for biblical wisdom and godly support if they are ever in need?
If you refuse to listen to abused women and believe them, how will you justify that to Jesus, who honored women?
Followers of Jesus honor women, listen to women, believe women, and protect women.
Are you really following Jesus if you refuse to listen to abused women and believe them?
Are you really a faithful under-shepherd (pastor) if you don’t protect your sheep from abuse?
Are you really faithfully helping men if you cover their sin and fail to show them a way to freedom and gentleness?
If you are guilty of this, will you humble yourselves, repent and seek forgiveness from those you have hurt?
I always thought I forgave years ago and one night at Lake Ann I realized I was hanging onto unforgiveness. It was so freeing.
I left home 575 miles from my nearest relative. I had $1.25. My neighbor I’d only known for two weeks asked me how much it would cost me for gas. Back then I told her $14. She gave me $15. She was the first one I paid back when I got some money. The decision to leave was I had the car that day. He was buying a gun that weekend. You think oh my that was a real good reason to leave. That was the last straw but truthfully I was afraid I’d shoot him. That I wouldn’t have been able to live with. I could live with people asking how I got my big blue circle under my knee and me not saying a word. I didn’t know what to say. All this time the Lord walked right beside me.
I’m married now and we celebrated 52 years.
Evelyn; I didn’t know this. It breaks my heart and makes me have great respect for you. I’m so glad the Lord took care of you and provided for you when you fled abuse. Thanks for telling a bit of the story here. We love you.
A few days ago we passed the post office in Hinsdale, Illinois where I mailed the first copy of my first book–that was mailed to you.
Bless you, today Evelyn.
Thank you a thiusand times for speaking on this issue. I was not physically abused but I was the victim of manipulation, unfaithfulness, and emotional abuse. Because of my background I didn’t even know it. I blamed myself for everything. I “submitted” to all of it. I had married a pastor’s son who was a pastor’s son, how could he be the one who was wrong?
The support of my church family was everything. EVERYTHING. My pastor said this, from the pulpit:
“Husbands, love your wives. This is your mission. Wives, your part is submission. This means to support his mission. If he isn’t loving you, DON’T SUPPORT IT.”
Hello Anonymous;
I’m deeply sorry for your experience. Most people just don’t realize the pain some have to quietly endure. I’m happy to hear that your church was supportive. That is not always the case. By God’s grace maybe we can raise awareness and appeal to the collective conscience of the church on the matter if abuse.